


Me, Dirk, and the Dying Jerk

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Multi, Shitty Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-29 08:25:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/684872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of how Karkat Vantas lived, loved, ruined my life, and died.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How is it possible to exist in a place that sucks so bad?

My name is Dave Strider, and I'm a twenty three year old who likes to make mediocre movies with my older brother, Dirk. At best, I'm an unappealing prick who manages to fuck up everything I touch. Once I met a guy with cancer. I dated him, fell in love with him, and he died. I wish I could end the story here. It's simple, easy, and painless. But I'm sure you're aware that without any pain, you're not going to gain jackshit. Let's start from the very beginning.

If you were to ask me out of the blue, I'd say it would be all Rose's fault. If you were to actually know the true story, you wouldn't believe me. It's probably because it wasn't her fault. Remember when I said I was unappealing? I'm unappealing enough to have to go to dating websites to actually hook myself up. You see, Dirk and I had a policy. 

_If they're not worth a dime, don't give 'em the time._

_  
_Before you tell me how stupid that is, which it really is, please take note that we thought of that during middle school. We were stupid kids who do a lot of stupid things that you'll probably learn about in the future pages. It's that stupid thinking that drives people away, you know? We thought we had some kind of charm and no one else could touch us. So, as we wanted, no one else did. It became clear that perhaps that wasn't a good philosophy when we realized the only hands on our dicks were our own (my hand on my dick, his hand on his). Dirk was fine on his own. A well oiled machine, if you will. I on the other hand was a rusty pile of bolts with a wire that wasn't even plugged in to begin with. Sure, I dated a few people here and there but they weren't fulfilling.

I want to believe it was Rose's fault because she was the one who kept pushing and meddling and just _making me do stuff._ I remember sitting at my desk with my laptop in front of me. I didn't dare lay a finger on the touch pad, but it didn't matter because it was Rose who was scrolling down the page for me. We were on one of the dating sites I signed up on. Rose said I should join more than one to get a larger variety. Either way, I barely got any requests or match-ups. As discouraging as it was, I expected it. Rose, however, was persistent and kept on. It became apparent to me that she was more dedicated in this than I was.

"She's cute."

"She looks like you."

"What's wrong with that?"

"I'm not going to date someone who looks like family."

"How about her?"

"How old is she?"

"Oh right. Oh, look at him."

"Did he use the picture from his driver's licence? He looks like he got an eyeful of grandma's workout video."

"Dave..."

It felt like we had been here for hours, but I couldn't help being picky. I'm shallow. I could tell rose was getting impatient with me but I knew her well enough that she'd be too stubborn to give up. I use to wonder why she spent so much time trying to find someone for me. Later I realized if I'd just bug her when I had no one else to go to.

"How about him?"

"Uhh..."

He was pretty ugly at first glance. Kind of like the pimply emo mess back in highschool that you'd see walking around wearing shirt of bands that you know suck and the rubber bracelets saying things like "I <3 BOOBIES" or "MMM BRAINZZZ". His skin was pasty and he was a little on the chubby side. I remember a time when my best friend, John, kind of looked like that (take away the horrible fashion sense). Putting my familiar memory of John in the place of whoever this guy was all it took for me to decide that he was "decent, I guess".

"Well, Dave?"

"Um. Decent, I guess."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. I mean, what's with his profile?" His whole profile was written completely in caps lock. Was he trying to be easily noticed? It sure had worked.

"Look, He's into movies."

"Romantic comedies."

"So?"

"That shit is gay as heck."

"Both of us are 'gay as heck', Dave."

"Rose, you know there are two kinds of gays. The 'wow, this dude likes dudes' gay and the 'wow, this dude is a pussy' gay."

Dirk and I already set up a specific genre of our movies. None of them had an ounce of dreaded romcom tainting them. The thought of our horrible masterpieces even containing said genre kind of made me want to puke at the time. Actually, I'm even hovering over a trash can as I'm typing this out. I should get a rubber bracelet with a big X over ROMCOM. 

"He has cancer."

"What?"

"Look, he has-"

"I heard you. Why did he write that?"

"Well, usually in dating profiles you're suppose to tell about yourself."

"But that's basically like telling the word you have an STD."

"Cancer is nothing like-"

"No no, I know, but like it drives people away like an STD. Like you-"

"Dave, I don't think-"

"Up with a guy who's probably going to die soon. That's like-"

"Just because he has cancer doesn't mean he's-"

"At the local county fair and keeping it for a week or two then flushing it down the toliet."

"It says he has Leukemia."

"What kind of STD is th-"

"That's not a-"

"Oh, fuck sorry I meant cancer. Cause I was thinking about STDs and-"

"And yeah, okay. It's a cancer of the blood. It causes-"

"You know, I think I had a science lab back in highschool about th-"

"Dave, stop talking."

I stopped talking. I had a habit of running my mouth while other people (Not other people. Just Rose.) spoke. I use to do it to Dirk too, but instead of Rose who just pauses, waits, and tries to interrupt me, Dirk just continues talking but at a louder volume. You wouldn't think I'd mind this, but if you knew what we usually spoke about, you'd understand.

"You said he's decent, right?"

"I remember saying that."

"Go for it."

"Go for what?"

"Him. He's the only person you haven't downright insulted so far."

"Uh, no."

"Why?"

"Rose, he has-"

"Dave. Look what his profiles says. He's been a member for two months. That probably means he still hasn't found someone. A poor, sickly young man who just wants a little light in his god forsaken life."

"Eeugh."

Apparently that sound was taboo. Rose finally became impatient and howled at me until I said I'd give it a shot. I don't recall why I agreed. I didn't want to go on a date with someone out of pity. I mean, for once it made me seem like I wasn't the pathetic one here, but it also made me feel like a giant douchewad. What was this Karkat guy thinking? That people would label him as a charity case? Rose told me it was to let people know what they would be getting themselves into, and maybe she's right. Maybe this was a warning to stay back if you couldn't handle it.

I should have taken that warning. 


	2. The sad story of the love life of Dave Strider

Sometimes I think there's something eating my brain. 

I've had plenty of relationships in the past, each one becoming more progressively miserable than the last. If it weren't for my bad track in the field of romance I probably wouldn't bother with the whole online dating thing. I'm obviously not the best at romance, so I guess I need to find someone somewhere who is as much as prick as I am. So far I've had a habit of taking a huge metaphorical shit on everyone I've ever dated. The times where I got shitted on were even worse, though.

I met Nichole when I was in first grade. I told her I liked her hair and she told me she liked my shoes. I gave her my animal crackers for a week to make her happy. I stopped bringing them and she stopped talking to me. In retaliation, I cut one of her braids off. We never spoke to her again.

I met Janice when I was in fifth grade. I played with her on the playground a lot, mostly pushing her on the swings. She said she liked liked me and I said I did too, so we hung out every recess. Fifth grade was around the time a lot of the kids were testing out 'bad words' without their peers threatening to tell on them. I was use to curses around the house, so I knew a lot more. One day I pushed Janice a little too hard and she fell off the swing. She started crying and everyone came and thought I did it on purpose. I said no, she's just being a little bitch about it. I got told on and we never spoke again.

In sixth grade I met Rose. Back then, I was the only one who would really talk to her. People didn't like her because she was too smart and a show off. I was just lonely. We sometimes held hands and we sometimes kissed each other on the cheek. People started making fun of the both of us and I couldn't handle it. I told her off in front of our classes and she ran to the nurse crying. We didn't speak for months. The next year she came to me and began talking to me again. She said she doesn't like boys anymore. I still wonder if that's my fault.

John had been my best friend since the start of sixth grade. Sometime in the middle of eight grade, we had a boys only sleep over at his house. I was the only one there. We talked a lot and threw around a bunch of what ifs. He said he wasn't gay or anything, but he said he'd kiss a guy just to try it out. We kissed that night and never spoke of it again. The next day at school he asked a girl out. For about a month, I ignored all his pesterchum messages until he stopped sending them.

Jade and I had been friends since elementary school. I asked her if she wanted to date me at the first year of highschool and she said yes. I kind of got... clingy. Now that I look back, I'm embarrassed at how much I smothered her. Not only did I always gave her attention and begged for it in return at school, but I messaged her crazily after school too. I once remember me telling her that I loved her every few minutes. After a week of that, she stopped talking to me altogether. By the middle of 9th grade, she broke up with me. I cried for three hours before Dirk began hitting me with a plastic sword. Jade and I still talk, but it's never over an hour.

One time Dirk and I talked about the subject of incest. We never talked about it again.

I started dating Terezi in the eleventh grade. She was loud and legally blind and didn't like wearing her glasses. I guided her around with my arm around hers and she would shout and my eardrums would ring but I kept doing it. She was into polygamy, and I tried to convince myself I was okay with it. She started dating some juggalo. Over the span of a year, he managed to change a smart, beautiful, cheerful girl into a scary pothead who would wake me up at the crack of dawn and cry into my lap. Dirk tried to convince me to dump her ever since we found her in a puddle of her own vomit over her friend's house. I didn't. It wasn't until we moved in together and I saw the juggalo there was when I said that maybe I should stop seeing her. I could have handled her late night partying or her newly found hobbies and habits, but knowing that I wasn't the only one who could truly make her happy felt like I was being fisted by the Hulk.

I never really had any serious relationship after that. Mostly one night stands or part-time fuck buddies. I was too much in distress after Terezi to get into an actual emotional relationship. I was in college when Rose suggested I started dating again. Dirk agreed with her. He knew people, a lot of people and tried to set me up with blind dates. Each first date went pretty well, but after months they would get tired of my attitude. I went through Dirk's whole list of date-able friends.

(Date-able as in single people who would be into me and people he who aren't his three close friends. He told me if he broke any of their hearts then he would never talk to me again. I think he might like one of them.)

Rose then decided online dating. I declined all of them except for a guy called Karkat Vantas. We chatted online for three days until he told me that his friend had set up a get together at the old bowling alley by the library and a King Kullen.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaah I said I was gonna write this months ago but I only just started. Oh well! Hope you enjoy.  
> This fanfiction is a parody of the book Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews! I highly recommend it!


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